Wednesday July 30 2014

I cut my hair again today. I swear every time I cut my hair I lose six inches ha ha. At first I started cutting it then I realized what a mess I was making out of it and let my mom finish now it looks cute. I think I have it at about two inches straightened. It makes me happy I like it and now I'm really REALLY happy when I wasn't so much this morning. 

Tuesday July 29 2014

So I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed and while I slept a bit longer my mind wandered to my ex boyfriend. I miss him a lot honestly. We only dated for two weeks but we've been friends for three years and I don't mean the friend zoned friends I mean yeah when we were at each others houses we had mutual attraction for each other so it normally led to kissing but anyways. I really miss him since he moved he hasn't contacted me once and it kinda hurts because I thought we were close. I mean I know we are close but we aren't as close as we used to be. I would have my memories with every other person I've ever dated erased if I could be with him again because he really was the only relationship I wanted beyond a second of a doubt and the only relationship I didn't want to end but did because I knew he wasn't into it. BLAH.

Friday July 18 2014

As I sit in my room all I can think about is the loneliness. I've even locked my cat out behind that door. The only real company I have is a couple of pictures of my mom and some stuffed animals I've had since I was a little kid. It makes me kind of sad that I'm so alone. Yet I'm afraid, for some reason that door that simply separates me from the kitchen feels like  a door that could do something else. I've never really been good at love or touchy feely crap. Even when I was a little kid I rejected physical contact, now... I don't know. Every-time someone tells me they love me or are there for me I instantly get mad. That is serious bull shit. There is no way people can ever be like that. I'm sick of the word love but at the same time I sit in my room and cry because I don't understand that feeling. No matter who I was dating, no matter how much I thought they meant to me, I always broke up with them. They always pissed me off after a while, it only took a week to piss me off, if that, and then another for me to get sick of pretending I felt something for them... am I doomed to be alone because of this? 

Thursday June 17 2014

I really fucking hate my brother. That is all for today.

Sunday July 13 2014

Welp today was my moms birthday. Thought it would be a good day. Did everything she wanted me to to today and was really nice to her all day even bought her a book after earning cash from grandma. Nope. Got called useless and worthless again. Sorry I know i'm such a burden no biggy I'll just you know, move out and go to college next year and you wont have to hear or see from my useless ass again. 

Saturday July 12 2014

Today was decent. Getting over an annoying sickness. so i have a stuffed up nose and a cough, joy. However I also got myself a library card today and three books to read, one of them a manga and another the P.C. Cast book Hidden. Yup I'm content. I have two weeks to read them, challenge accepted. 

Wednesday July 9 2014

I'm sick. I hate being sick. The heat is killing me and now I'm sick ha ha just flipping lovely, and to top it off I still don't have a job and am feeling really useless right now. I hate this. I worked on my japanese again, however and am to the point where I can ask where the bathroom is, say im to hot, say im cold say im tired and basic stuff. I find it funny because to say you're done ordering in Japanese it's ijou desu, which sounds a lot like 'eat your desk'. Yeah i'm done ordering you can go eat your desk now. My humor for today. 

Tuesday July 8 2014

So I woke up at 6 am this morning thanks to a cute white kitten and played a few video games. Started off as a good day then my brother sister and mother went to a base ball game leaving me home with the dogs, no big deal I don't mind watching them. neither dog had an accident in the house or got into anything or caused any trouble. My best friend came over, she is dating my brother at the moment, and got upset since he was gone, instead of joining them at my sisters boyfriends baseball game she decided we should chill. It was really hot today so we ran out and got the blizzard of the month at dairy queen and called it good. Again, the dogs had no accidents while we were gone and were very well behaved. My friend goes home at about 8 O'clock and I go to my room to play video games. Again, the dogs don't have accidents. We forgot our EMPTY blizzard cups in the living room.
My family comes home at 9 pm and the first thing my sister does is walk into the living room, spot the empty blizzard cups that the cats had knocked over and Freak the fuck out. The house is in no way perfect and nor are the people living there but for some fucking reason my sister has it in her head that she can do no wrong. No she thinks she is perfect. Everyone has faults, so my room is a bit messy, I'm the one living in it and I don't make a mess of the living areas so what is the big fucking deal? I do my own dishes, and everyone else since NO ONE besides me does their dishes when they use them. So yeah my sister flipped shit on me calling me a slob and telling me how i never do fucking anything around here.
The conversation went as followed.
"My apologies younger sister for I am not as perfect as you and am a flawed human who occasionally forgets to throw my blizzard cups away."
"I'm not perfect and we just cleaned these carpets!"
"Oh wait whats that? Her majesty just admitted she fucks up? Good stop fucking acting like your perfect and piss off. We all forget things once in a while."
Mom: "Your older sister (me) Does her dishes when she uses them, the rest of us don't."
So my younger sister went off on a hissy fit on her own. She can back off. I do her dishes, and Mine and once in a while when i forget to throw something away it isn't going to fucking kill her to do it. I do dishes, I clean up the bathroom, I take out the trash, I watch the dogs, I clean the litter boxes for the cats, I do my share of house work but 'no you're a lazy little brat' you know what you stupid little 15 year old? you aren't hot shit in fact after treating Me like crap I don't think your worth much. You don't want a car in the future, You really don't want a job, you have no fucking clue where you want to go to college, and you had everything handed to you on a fucking platter since you were a little kid till this year when your rich Daddy wasn't your house parent anymore and you were forced to come live with us. Get a grip on reality, You may make the perfect little house wife some day, cooking and cleaning, but i'll be out in the real world with a carrier and a life. Fuck off. End of rant.

Sunday July 6 2014

Today was decent. I played a load of league of legends and got myself BACK up to bronze 3. I've been kind of hovering between three four and two for a while now but hoping to bump back up to two then up to one and be done with that shit. I don't know maybe it's just be but the feeling of getting to silver feels like you've been stuck out at sea for days and just finally reached dry wonderful land. That's how it feels. You've been screwed over and stuck and lost and then FINALLY you're safe again, you're on a deserted fucking island, but there is food and firm ground beneath your feet, more to work with than you had before. Anyways besides that I've been dying of heat and then my mom and I went to get pizza, yes we went and got hot food on a hot day call us dumb. However topped the day off with soda and applied to K-Mart. God i need a job so I can move out. one baby step at a time. 

Wednesday July 2 2014

Today was up and down. Woke up this morning depressed as hell and mopey . Didn't start moving till about five in the afternoon and that's when I discovered my grandmother gave me fifty for helping her and grandpa out instead of twenty like i thought. Went to Hastings and bought my mom her birthday present, a book, and at first i wasn't sure if she'd like it or not. I got home with the book, totally skipping the authors name for some reason and my mom was sitting on the couch and she is like 'you bought a book." I told her she couldn't see it till her birthday but she insisted so I showed it to her saying I wasn't sure if she'd like it or not and she was just like 'you know I like this author' I finally looked at the author and had to face palm. It was one of my mothers and I's favorite authors. I'm such a dork some times. Then I got on league and pulled a jerk move. Nothing says fuck you quite like Quinn top lane ha ha. Now im feeling better since I got mom her birthday present. Plus I've received a warm welcome on deviant art so I'm going to start selling my art on there :3. 

Tuesday July 01 2014

its 7 30 in the morning and I'm tired but my friends on Skype woke me up. They are such losers but I guess they are okay. I kind of wish I had friends like them In real life, that would be fun but I am happy with my real life friends too. My family ... I don't know. I hate living with my mom because my lousy good for nothing brother is still here and wont get off his ass. Yesterday I got back from visiting my grand parents and my brother had the audacity to tell my sister that he was sick of me already, when i hadn't done anything to him and he had picked a fight with me in the car over my opinion of the singer Lord, who I happen to like but think her stage presence is crap. I hate my brother he is lousy good for nothing free loading jerk who just doesn't get that mom wont be here for ever to support his ass. He needs to grow up. I can't wait to move out and get rid of him.