Wednesday November 05 2014

So my birthday past, my senior prom passed, well one of them. I've been having a great senior year so far. my teachers all love me, all my classes are practically fun except for my US History and I'm just having a generally good year. My younger sister is starting to act like a spoiled brat but hey, she is a sophomore, i think I started acting like I knew everything at that point too. It's annoying but I ignore her bratty attitude. I'm really happy, I know that isn't much info. I've also started hanging out with my friends Nicole Peterson and Emmi Bivens more so It makes me happy. They look so innocent and sweetly naive at school but they are totally different out of it. I love them so much they make me laugh.

 Good night people. 

Friday October 17 2014

I told myself I'd work on this blog at least weekly, I was kidding myself. I guess I've been busy lately trying to think about college and essays and entrance exams and it just is stressful for me. I'm a broke person, no job, still living with my mother (granted I'm still in high school ) My younger sister has a better relationship on her third attempt at dating then I ever have had at any of my numerous failures and I just feel like crap. On the bright side of my moody rant, I found out my two 'goody goody' friends are actually really fun to hang out with out side of school. Turns out we have a lot in common once we get away from the crowd of people we have to be guarded around. Alas, it doesn't last because while they pretend to be boring good kids, I go back to pretending to hate everything walking so it will leave me alone when we are at school. Some secrets are fun to keep I suppose, and this will be one of my few that i do keep. Still though  I am feeling rather useless and like a waste of space and it is not making me all that happy. I'm tired of feeling like a burden but every time I try to do something I feel like I can't do it with out someone else's help and that bugs me the most, I hate needing other people to help me.  That is my rant for this evening while i'm trying to pull my mind away from distractions, HA its not working -.-. 

Thursday September 25 2014

I am officially a month into my Senior high school year and I do believe I've heard the words; Really, Seriously, you must be joking and or No fricken way over fifty times when people find out I am a senior. I know I look young but I don't look that young. Though being a senior has made me smile I think I like the fact that I have seniorites. I of the oldest kids of that school, I am one of the smartest, and quiet frankly, it makes me feel better about myself. I've been there four years, I know the ins and outs of that school, I've taken a freshman who has never even been to my state before under my wing for mentoring. I will be leaving behind my mark on that school. I am going to pull off a senior prank. I am part of the thespians club. I am in a college class. I am getting ready for college. I am acting as a leader to my peers. And because of all of that, I feel accomplished. This year is the year I cast away all my dark depressing thoughts, the year I've stopped giving two shits what people think of me, the year I express how creative and happy I am. The year I may just bash that moron in the face with the chair he wont stop leaving alone. (Might, I don't want to get into trouble but god its tempting.) People always told me my senior year would be better but College would be great and I would feel better after high school that I wouldn't be a timid shrew. I find they are right, I find that I have become more me now that I'm reaching the end of puberty. Now that I'm about to step into a new chapter in my life my self confidence is growing with every step, my will to leave my mark on the earth is too and I feel fucking fantastic. School leaves me barely any free time and I feel happy as hell. I don't think I've ever felt this good before now. I love my senior year.

Friday September 12 2014

Since school started I've been busy. I actually Enjoy my 121 College Algebra class (shocker) and pretty much every class. I guess I don't look forward to going to history but its not bad. I don't really look forward to German either but the girl who sits next to me, Kari, she is really nice and I love talking to her. None of my real life friends have a clue when my birthday is (October first) but a ton of my online friends are wondering what I'm doing for my 18th this year. I don't know what  I'm doing. Honestly I think I'd just sit and play a Montague of video games with my gamer friends just to spend time with people if I had the capability but my gaming thingy is broken so I'm screwed there. The guy I liked deserted me, my little sister is being a bitch, and my mom is poor so we cant go out. I hate being poor but its part of life. However I did find out something interesting about my College choice of major. Apparently at the College I want to go to the Acting department is very dirty and sexual thanks to some fucked up teacher. My Drama teacher this year was telling me what it was like when she was there and how the teacher that she had was still there. I'm worried because I'm going for a duel Major in Dance and Acting. I'm scared that I'll ended up with that creepy ass teacher. Like what do I do if he tries to get me to do something creepy like suck some guy off or something? God that's nasty, if he is so obsessed with sex maybe the man needs to get laid and stop pushing it off on the rest of us. However I guess if I can humiliate myself sexually on stage I can do just about every other type of bull shit that an actor should be able to do. However I'm very shy sexually so that doesn't really bode well for my acting career. Also I've decided to open my own dance studio so then again it doesn't really matter .

Monday September 1 2014

Been doing alright I guess. My friend stabbed me in the back after dating my brother, oh wait I called that. I'm not really upset about that Actually as each day goes by I keep having these random ass epiphanies about my life. For instance as I wake up each day I'm starting to pull free of my depression and I just feel better about myself and my life. Some times I get those I'm useless as hell' moods but right now I'm okay. Plus I keep figuring out what triggers my anger so I'm getting a hold on that as well. I'm a really happy person right now. Now that I'm letting go of my anger more and my hatred for human kind I feel better. I've also got a group of people together hoping to work on a senior prank if we pull it off at least in twenty years for the reunion we will be able to talk about something interesting. I'm curious to know what that will be like.  I really hope my friends and I pull off our prank but mostly I want my senior year to be my best year. If I could have a steady boyfriend through the whole year I'd be beyond happy but I'm not sure if I'm emotionally ready for that sort of commitment. I'm just now busting out of my shell and doing stuff to make myself more me, such as cutting my hair, changing my clothing, small things like that that make me feel more unique. I'm starting to feel better about myself and my life and am getting further away from the computer, which is why I haven't been posting, sorry for those who actually care XD. Mean while I've also been working on my dance. It's not really work though because I LOVE to dance. I don't mean a little I really love dancing so I see nothing wrong with dancing ANYWHERE I am. I love dancing so I guess I found my passion, now time to see if I can make a living of it. Ta ta till next time Lovelies. 

Friday August 15 2014

You know, I've known my brother was a selfish asshole since I was five years old. The way he always acted better then me because he was our grandparents only grandson always set us apart. As he grew older he just got worse and he became even more of an asshole, treating everyone in the house like shit even our mother. He would break walls and shit he had no right breaking. My mother has worked her ass off for us as a single mom all her life and then to top it off the second my brother hits twelve he thinks he knows everything and treats her like shit.
My mom has taken his verbal abuse since he was 12 years old, he is 19 now , about to be 20 and he still treats her like shit. Today was the last straw. The cops had to be called because of his verbal abuse and he was kicked out of the house, he doesn't pay rent, doesn't help us , doesn't do shit but mooch off my mother. I'm 17, almost 18 and I've payed more bills than he ever has helping mom out. My mother is in tears and the worst feeling in the world is knowing I can't help her. There is nothing I can say or do that will make her feel better and its breaking my heart. I wish my brother had never been born, I wish he wasn't part of our family and I wish he'd stop hurting my mother. She doesn't deserve that.
I feel so damn helpless right now. I never want to see my brother again, I never want to hear from him again or know how he is doing. He could die tomorrow and I couldn't care less because of how he treated my mother. I hate him. There is no love, I am not god, I am not perfect. I do not love him. I hate him with every fiber of my being and I wish him the worst because of what he has done to my mom, to me, and to my family. 

Thursday August 14 2014

I've decided the thing that bugs me the most about senior year isn't the fact that next year I'm on my own or that I have to go to college and then make a living, not even the fact that I am going to lose my friends. The thing that bugs me about senior year, is next year, all the idiots I've seen in my classes, all the people I've planted my face in the desk in front of me because of something they've said, will be adults. They will be able to cast votes on who our government officials are... and most of them don't understand simple things like making resumes. I fear for the future of this country, of other countries that have to deal with this country, and the children's education of people that stupid. I've already lost a good 50 -60 percent of the class I've been going to school with because they dropped out, which is again sad. So no, I don't like the idea of being a senior, I don't like the idea of being this old, because next year all the stupid people my age are old enough to vote and become legal adults in the community. Their stupidity en mass is going to be problematic. I'm very worried. 

Friday August 8 2014

I think I am finally in love. Maybe ha ha. I don't know. Is it love when you can't get them off your mind? When you want nothing but to please them? When, even when they are gone, you want to be with them. Then to have them feel that too? It feels like a fucking story book, to be able to say my senior year of high school that I finally know what love feels like.  He makes me smile and makes me feel wanted with out making me feel smothered. He knows what to say when I'm beyond pissed and knows how to make me laugh and calm down.
Granted the relationship is long distance but we are both hoping it works. We've been hurt before, we know this, and we don't want to hurt each other. That makes me smile too, that he can be so open with me and admit that he has self esteem issues when He puts up such a play boy attitude for everyone else. When he doesn't like something he tells me and I can work it out with him. We don't hide things so far and we've been really good about trying to understand each other.
He doesn't pledge undying love to me or any of that crap like I've heard before, he knows we might not make it and he admits that he is scared of that. I like him for that so I really hope this works for once. I haven't felt this light in a long time, I still wonder if this is what they call love though. We've known each other two years and just the other day he admitted he might love me, granted for the past few weeks I was thinking I might love him so the news came of great joy and surprise. I guess it makes me laugh.
I also ended up getting into a fight with this stuck up snob of a bitch and he was going to go in and flip out for my sake. When I'm upset he gets upset and it makes me smile to see him try and act all he man for me. He is also really soft and tender and I guess it makes me smile too because again, while he acts all macho he lets me see the part of him that worries and is scared and it is really sweet. I really like him and I hope this can last ha ha. God I feel good right now.
Also I might add that I just read through all my posts recently and god this is like such a bipolar mood switch XD like one minute i'm saying I hate men the next I find a guy who actually is worth my time aren't I just strange.
I am head over heals in love with him he is just so sweet. 

Wednesday August 6 2014

God I fucking hate men. "oh I love you I want you I wanna be with you" one day then the very fucking next "oh yeah no I'ma just sit on the couch. I don't remember saying that shit your on acid bitch." Fuck it and fuck them. Such god damn bull shit honestly. If you say you like me then fucking mean it or get out of my face I don't have time for bs. I guess I should know better but I'm still young and foolish enough to buy all that crap about love. God I should really learn that there isn't any such fucking thing. 

Sunday August 3 2014

So today I finally came to a conclusion. I've been told to stop acting like a petty child and that I shouldn't do this or that cause it's something a child would do. You know what? It's not me. It's them. I'm not being childish I'm being ME. They are the petty idiots who can't get the fuck over it. I ripped a guys head off, decided I was in the wrong, apologized to him and gave him space for a while. He is the one that told me he still wanted to be MY friend. So I try talking to him a few weeks later like normal and he treats me like shit. I ask him why the fuck he wanted to be friends if he wouldn't get the fuck over it and He told me I can't just rip someones head off and expect everything to be fine instantly.... IT WAS TWO FUCKING MONTHS AGO YOU BUTT HURT LITTLE GIRL. Jesus Christ I swear He holds a grudge worse then any five year old I've ever met. I've never been one to hold onto the past. I'll get into fucking bitch fits with my brother and family and the next day we will act like nothing happened. That isn't being childish that's being an adult. Because no matter how many fucking fights we get in, there is no pointing dwelling on the past seriously. I don't see a reason to act like a fucking toddler and hold onto something stupid that happens like Me ripping your head off when you fuck up. No I'm not perfect but I'm sure as hell not as childish as everyone wants to think. 

Saturday August 2 2014

I fucking hate betrayal. I don't give a shit if I lose the person because they are 'that' particular person. No I get fucking mad because SOMEONE doesn't matter who the fuck they are, betrayed me and I can't trust them. I hate that. Why can't fucking people realize that I want loyalty and honesty? What is so fucking hard to get about that. I swear I fucking hate humans at least my god damn CAT is always loyal to me. Fuck she is a god damn animal and she's stabbed me in the back less than the fucking creatures I share chromosomes with. GRRR Sick of fucking liars and traitors and fucking assholes all around. So what if you're friends with someone I hate? I want to be your friend not theirs I want to hang out with YOU not them. If you want to hang out with them cool no biggy I'll hang out with you another time but just cause your THEIR FUCKING FRIEND. Doesn't mean you have to stop being mine!
I'm glad of my best friend. Met the girl Freshman year when my Phobia of humanity was at its peek. with out her non-judgmental additude and relaxed personality I doubt I would have ever gotten over my fear. She will always be my best friend even when we never talk. 

Wednesday July 30 2014

I cut my hair again today. I swear every time I cut my hair I lose six inches ha ha. At first I started cutting it then I realized what a mess I was making out of it and let my mom finish now it looks cute. I think I have it at about two inches straightened. It makes me happy I like it and now I'm really REALLY happy when I wasn't so much this morning. 

Tuesday July 29 2014

So I woke up this morning not wanting to get out of bed and while I slept a bit longer my mind wandered to my ex boyfriend. I miss him a lot honestly. We only dated for two weeks but we've been friends for three years and I don't mean the friend zoned friends I mean yeah when we were at each others houses we had mutual attraction for each other so it normally led to kissing but anyways. I really miss him since he moved he hasn't contacted me once and it kinda hurts because I thought we were close. I mean I know we are close but we aren't as close as we used to be. I would have my memories with every other person I've ever dated erased if I could be with him again because he really was the only relationship I wanted beyond a second of a doubt and the only relationship I didn't want to end but did because I knew he wasn't into it. BLAH.

Friday July 18 2014

As I sit in my room all I can think about is the loneliness. I've even locked my cat out behind that door. The only real company I have is a couple of pictures of my mom and some stuffed animals I've had since I was a little kid. It makes me kind of sad that I'm so alone. Yet I'm afraid, for some reason that door that simply separates me from the kitchen feels like  a door that could do something else. I've never really been good at love or touchy feely crap. Even when I was a little kid I rejected physical contact, now... I don't know. Every-time someone tells me they love me or are there for me I instantly get mad. That is serious bull shit. There is no way people can ever be like that. I'm sick of the word love but at the same time I sit in my room and cry because I don't understand that feeling. No matter who I was dating, no matter how much I thought they meant to me, I always broke up with them. They always pissed me off after a while, it only took a week to piss me off, if that, and then another for me to get sick of pretending I felt something for them... am I doomed to be alone because of this? 

Thursday June 17 2014

I really fucking hate my brother. That is all for today.

Sunday July 13 2014

Welp today was my moms birthday. Thought it would be a good day. Did everything she wanted me to to today and was really nice to her all day even bought her a book after earning cash from grandma. Nope. Got called useless and worthless again. Sorry I know i'm such a burden no biggy I'll just you know, move out and go to college next year and you wont have to hear or see from my useless ass again. 

Saturday July 12 2014

Today was decent. Getting over an annoying sickness. so i have a stuffed up nose and a cough, joy. However I also got myself a library card today and three books to read, one of them a manga and another the P.C. Cast book Hidden. Yup I'm content. I have two weeks to read them, challenge accepted. 

Wednesday July 9 2014

I'm sick. I hate being sick. The heat is killing me and now I'm sick ha ha just flipping lovely, and to top it off I still don't have a job and am feeling really useless right now. I hate this. I worked on my japanese again, however and am to the point where I can ask where the bathroom is, say im to hot, say im cold say im tired and basic stuff. I find it funny because to say you're done ordering in Japanese it's ijou desu, which sounds a lot like 'eat your desk'. Yeah i'm done ordering you can go eat your desk now. My humor for today. 

Tuesday July 8 2014

So I woke up at 6 am this morning thanks to a cute white kitten and played a few video games. Started off as a good day then my brother sister and mother went to a base ball game leaving me home with the dogs, no big deal I don't mind watching them. neither dog had an accident in the house or got into anything or caused any trouble. My best friend came over, she is dating my brother at the moment, and got upset since he was gone, instead of joining them at my sisters boyfriends baseball game she decided we should chill. It was really hot today so we ran out and got the blizzard of the month at dairy queen and called it good. Again, the dogs had no accidents while we were gone and were very well behaved. My friend goes home at about 8 O'clock and I go to my room to play video games. Again, the dogs don't have accidents. We forgot our EMPTY blizzard cups in the living room.
My family comes home at 9 pm and the first thing my sister does is walk into the living room, spot the empty blizzard cups that the cats had knocked over and Freak the fuck out. The house is in no way perfect and nor are the people living there but for some fucking reason my sister has it in her head that she can do no wrong. No she thinks she is perfect. Everyone has faults, so my room is a bit messy, I'm the one living in it and I don't make a mess of the living areas so what is the big fucking deal? I do my own dishes, and everyone else since NO ONE besides me does their dishes when they use them. So yeah my sister flipped shit on me calling me a slob and telling me how i never do fucking anything around here.
The conversation went as followed.
"My apologies younger sister for I am not as perfect as you and am a flawed human who occasionally forgets to throw my blizzard cups away."
"I'm not perfect and we just cleaned these carpets!"
"Oh wait whats that? Her majesty just admitted she fucks up? Good stop fucking acting like your perfect and piss off. We all forget things once in a while."
Mom: "Your older sister (me) Does her dishes when she uses them, the rest of us don't."
So my younger sister went off on a hissy fit on her own. She can back off. I do her dishes, and Mine and once in a while when i forget to throw something away it isn't going to fucking kill her to do it. I do dishes, I clean up the bathroom, I take out the trash, I watch the dogs, I clean the litter boxes for the cats, I do my share of house work but 'no you're a lazy little brat' you know what you stupid little 15 year old? you aren't hot shit in fact after treating Me like crap I don't think your worth much. You don't want a car in the future, You really don't want a job, you have no fucking clue where you want to go to college, and you had everything handed to you on a fucking platter since you were a little kid till this year when your rich Daddy wasn't your house parent anymore and you were forced to come live with us. Get a grip on reality, You may make the perfect little house wife some day, cooking and cleaning, but i'll be out in the real world with a carrier and a life. Fuck off. End of rant.

Sunday July 6 2014

Today was decent. I played a load of league of legends and got myself BACK up to bronze 3. I've been kind of hovering between three four and two for a while now but hoping to bump back up to two then up to one and be done with that shit. I don't know maybe it's just be but the feeling of getting to silver feels like you've been stuck out at sea for days and just finally reached dry wonderful land. That's how it feels. You've been screwed over and stuck and lost and then FINALLY you're safe again, you're on a deserted fucking island, but there is food and firm ground beneath your feet, more to work with than you had before. Anyways besides that I've been dying of heat and then my mom and I went to get pizza, yes we went and got hot food on a hot day call us dumb. However topped the day off with soda and applied to K-Mart. God i need a job so I can move out. one baby step at a time. 

Wednesday July 2 2014

Today was up and down. Woke up this morning depressed as hell and mopey . Didn't start moving till about five in the afternoon and that's when I discovered my grandmother gave me fifty for helping her and grandpa out instead of twenty like i thought. Went to Hastings and bought my mom her birthday present, a book, and at first i wasn't sure if she'd like it or not. I got home with the book, totally skipping the authors name for some reason and my mom was sitting on the couch and she is like 'you bought a book." I told her she couldn't see it till her birthday but she insisted so I showed it to her saying I wasn't sure if she'd like it or not and she was just like 'you know I like this author' I finally looked at the author and had to face palm. It was one of my mothers and I's favorite authors. I'm such a dork some times. Then I got on league and pulled a jerk move. Nothing says fuck you quite like Quinn top lane ha ha. Now im feeling better since I got mom her birthday present. Plus I've received a warm welcome on deviant art so I'm going to start selling my art on there :3. 

Tuesday July 01 2014

its 7 30 in the morning and I'm tired but my friends on Skype woke me up. They are such losers but I guess they are okay. I kind of wish I had friends like them In real life, that would be fun but I am happy with my real life friends too. My family ... I don't know. I hate living with my mom because my lousy good for nothing brother is still here and wont get off his ass. Yesterday I got back from visiting my grand parents and my brother had the audacity to tell my sister that he was sick of me already, when i hadn't done anything to him and he had picked a fight with me in the car over my opinion of the singer Lord, who I happen to like but think her stage presence is crap. I hate my brother he is lousy good for nothing free loading jerk who just doesn't get that mom wont be here for ever to support his ass. He needs to grow up. I can't wait to move out and get rid of him. 

Friday June 27 2014

So today was a good day. I mowed the lawn for my grandparents so I could earn some money for my moms birthday present, not sure what I'm going to get her but I want to get her something. Also finished my friends chibi drawing AND got to bronze 2 in league of legends. If I keep moving up I'll be out of bronze in no time. I am so excited for this and today was really nice. Can't upload anything else so I'll upload the drawing, well actually I made it digitally but yeah ha ha.

Monday June 16 2014

I hate this feeling. This empty feeling which plagues me and no one gives a damn. My mom writes it off as hormones and it may be but I think it could also be more. Why does no one care about me? the only time I get recognized as anything other than 'lazy, stupid, annoying, loud mouthed, arrogant, bratty, bitchy, mean, cruel , vindictive, violent or anything else' is when I do art. Why is it that no one cares about me except when I paint them a pretty picture or draw them a cute image? Am I really that bad? does no one see that I hurt and I'm alone and that all I want is to be noticed and cared about. My mom is always gone and we hardly ever talk or do anything together. My friends always end up leaving me or ignoring me. My grandparents are never really there for me the only one that ever actively seeks my attention or my help with anything is the dog. Why does everyone think I'm so useless? I'm almost 18 and I feel as if I'm still five. I feel isolated and useless and unwanted. I hate this feeling but I've had it since I was little. Is my pain warranted or is it my imagination? Why cant I keep a relationship going? why do I always break up with people with in a month when I want affection... What's wrong with me? 

Sunday June 15 2014

So today was fathers day and honestly, I couldn't care less. My father was never there for me, and when he finally contacted me when I was fifteen years old, he thought I was 18. So I guess that makes me twenty right now? I'm about to have my twenty first birthday? Sweet I can legally drink. To top it off I met my cousin after dealing with him and found out that non of my cousins knew who I was, all after him telling me how much he talked about me. So no, fathers day doesn't matter to me. I did give my grandfather a card though. I at least had one man in my life who was there as a father figure. My grandfather had always been there for me when a women's touch just wasn't enough. 

Saturday June 14 2014

So i spent the day sad because I was supposed to hang out with a friend of mine and he got sick so we ended up canceling. However I guess that's okay because my league of legends was working so i got to spend time playing on that and I made some really... well interesting friends. I don't really know how to describe them other than interesting because honestly they are so weird but really fun to hang out with. I hope I get to spend more fun times like this. I also added a couple more pages to my jail book and am still thinking on how to continue my other blog stories, i like writing them it's just im in a very large block ha ha. 

Tuesday June 10 2014

So i went to the pool with my sister today and ended up stepping on an earing that was in one of them.... Yeah that hurt. First thing that happens to me there is I step on a sharp object. The thing went into my foot and hurt kinda at first but now it really hurts. My sister called me a woos but i dare her to step on something like that, why is it little objects always hurt more? Plus then her lame friends showed up and made fun of me because while im the oldest I look the youngest. God that pissed me off. I ended up leaving I just couldn't take it anymore , my sister stayed till closing though. I guess I don't like people who can't find anything funny that isn't cruel. 

Monday June 9 2014

Today was decent except my head hurts. Worked on my breathing techniques for singing today and learned some more Japanese. My problem with that is now my head hurts as i mentioned already ha ha. i'm picking up on languages really fast and it makes me happy. The more practice at it I have the better I get. I can learn new phrases in a day now verses in a week like when i started learning German. If I can get as good at German as I am at Japanese I think I'll be happy. Next language to tackle will be Korean, i think I already have that alphabet down though so that's going well too.

Sunday June 8 2014

Today was a decent day. I was going to go to the park with my sister but there were a few people there I couldn't stand so I left her there with her friends and I headed home. When I got home my mother and I went out and bought some flowers for her garden, got some gas and some soda. I like spending time with my mom. She wanted a new pot for the flowers so we dropped those off at home and then headed out and bot a pot, since it was pretty hot out today we also went and got some coffee, for her, and my first Malted shake. i have to admit, I think I'm in love ha ha. Well then the internet got fixed, it was down for a day since the cat decided to swim in the fish tank then soak the modem. But all is well I suppose.
It's becoming more clear every time I think about it that I'm going to be a senior well, am a senior actually, and I guess I just have to suck it up and except it. On the bright side though my sister says I'm starting to look old enough to look like a senior. Well that was my day ha ha. Wish people would comment it's no fun having no one to talk to.

Friday June 6 2014

I don't know. I guess I just get tired of being told how useless I am. I mean okay today wasn't a bad day or anything, in fact my ex senior told me Congrats since I am now officially a senior since my junior year is over... but I'm still sad. My best friend has decided that even though she makes plans with me and some other friends, she isn't going to hang out with us instead she is going to blow us off for her boyfriend. At the same time my girlfriend is getting neglected and I don't know what to do. I like her but I'm not sure how much, since I don't honestly believe in love.
On that note, is there really anything such as love? I mean honestly? I don't really see how there could be, I guess that I feel strong passion for things like animals and family but I don't see how there is such things as 'true love' or 'love at first sight' if there was... wouldn't people be happier? I don't know maybe that's me dreaming.
On a brighter side though, I was recording my singing to day and despite the static in the background I have an actually really good singing voice, in my own opinion that is. I'm happy since I don't think I've ever really liked my singing voice. Well yeah that was my day mostly ha ha, well that and my friends and I took a bunch of pictures of my last day as a junior.

Wednesday June 4 2014

Okay yeah I'm sitting at home, didn't have to take finals today or tomorrow and I'm bored. Is this like a precursor
 to what my summer is going to be? I really hope not.

Saturday May 31 2014

So I realized today the real reason I don't want to be a senior. Because in exactly a years time as of tomorrow, I will lose the rest of my high school friends.
I know people always tell me 'oh no we will still be friends.' But I was in a different school for half a year this year and did any of you bother to message me how I was? they didn't... but no we will still be together. It hurts I guess. The fact that I know once they don't see me every day they will write me off as their past and move on. I guess I'm just sad that I'm going to lose people I grew up with because they don't care. I'm worried that people will forget about me so no, I do not want to be a senior.
Hell, I already lost my high school crush since he moved to a different city. He moved right after we both figured out exactly how much we meant to each other and I haven't heard from him since. I'm worried that everyone is going to be like that so I'm sad. I wish someone could tell me that it would all be okay, that I'm not going to be stuck in the world all alone and that reality really isn't as harsh as it seems. But even if people tell me that I know it's candy coated lies. Its depressing but true. My senior year is a year I'm going to lose in sadness, unless I make the most of it.
Next school year I'm going to try my best to be nice and happy and smiling so when I talk about my last year of high school when I'm older, all I'll have to talk about is good times and great people... but that's just a wish which will be hard to make come true.

Friday May 30th 2014 still a junior.

Well today I got to see my cousin at her track meat. It was a state one so she was doing really well. My cousin is a week older than me, closest in age to me but I don't think her and I are that close. I skipped out on my physics class to go see her do the shot put. Well... I didn't really skip since the teacher said I could go. It was a  decent day. Not sure if I'm going to work on my stories or not. 

Junior year has ended.

Yesterday my seniors graduated... I'm sad.
The problem with this is that A) I lost a lot of friends and B) I am now left as a senior.
I don't want to be a senior. I don't want to graduate and I don't want to lose anymore friends. Once I graduate I will lose all but two who are going to college with me. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. Growing up is terrifying I don't even feel old enough to be a senior and hell, everyone still thinks I look like a junior high kid.
How did all those years slip by me? Why am I sitting here shaking over something that's natural. I guess it's because I don't feel very self confident. People always say I'm really prude and stuff and that I am kind of weird. I've never felt comfortable around my peers... I don't like it.
I sit in class quietly resenting being alone, I feel alone even when I'm with most of  my friends and I just can't handle it anymore, does everyone feel this lonely? Or is it just me... People find me funny when I do talk but I'm to scared and even when I do talk half the time I sound mad and pissed. I have found out that anger is my natural reaction to pretty much everything that I'm scared of. I don't like people hating on me, I get angry, don't like feeling vulnerable, angry, and I act like a know it all because I don't want anyone looking down on me... not ever again.
Maybe Senior year is a good way to have a fresh start. I don't know but I think I want to start a new, I want people to like me I want to smile I want people to laugh and I want to make jokes for everyone. I hope I get support this year so I'll be posting this blog as of now along with all of my other stories. Thanks guys.