Final post

Well, I graduated on Friday, June 7th, 2015. I guess I should state what has happened.
I realized this last few months exactly who my true friends were. I guess my freshman year I didn't know, so I became friends with the first group that accepted me and ended up becoming something I wasn't. I also realize that by doing so, all I did was prolong my anger issues and depression and such. Now I know that the friends I made then, only cared about the me who was fake. I've made friends this last year who mean more to me then anything else, and I wouldn't give them up for anything. As for the ones I have recently lost, well... I cried, of course, but I lost nothing but drama. I'm glad to be moving forward.
Sort of sad though, Writing my last page on this blog feels like it really is the end of my child hood, like this some how finishes it. Of course I'll start a new blog, for college. I want to be able to record all this stuff, so when I'm out of school , and I can come back and re read, I'll have it to smile and shake my head at. I'll be able to tell myself how ridiculous I was here and now. To those of you who have read parts of my blog, or even all of it. I hope you enjoyed getting to see into my life, I'm not a very good story teller to be honest. However, I hope you'll continue to read on and into my next one.
Good bye for now. 

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me through the years.

through the years.... does anyone even read this blog lmao. i wonder.

Thursday April 16 2015

Rant:
Okay, so I love dogs, not so much training them, but I love them. I love all animals. I hate people who abuse them. However, there are people who are confusing some subjects and I need to clear this up.
First, let me tell you about the wolf, the dogs close relative from the same family tree. A wolf lives in a pack, that pack consists of the Alpha, leader, Beta's, second class, and Omegas. The hierarchy of a wolves life is decided by strength and power. Often as not the Alpha's son will become the next Alpha. They do not abuse their own kind. The Alpha protects the pack and provides a source of power. The pack relies on the pack leader to make tough decisions, lead the pack in hunts and fights, and to keep order among everyone. The Alpha doesn't use violence to keep the pack in line unless it has too. All canines run off the same instincts as wolves.
Now, Someone, a friend of mine, is a dog trainer. On face book the other day he was ranting about how he couldn't believe people used pack mentality to train their dogs. That it was wrong, how could people abuse their animals in such cruel ways? He was disgusted with it. However, let me tell you now, using pack mentality, is not a bad way to train your dog. Abusing your dog is a bad way to train your dog. As mentioned previously, Alpha's do not abuse their subordination. Trust is used in packs, not violence. You will never be able to train a dog properly if you use violence. Respect and trust is a must. However, if you are training your dog to listen to your commands, follow your rules, and do as you want, you are teaching them pack mentality. That is something most people understand. No matter how you train your dog, past abuse, abuse is abuse not training, you are teaching it Pack mentality. The dog learns that you are alpha, and that they are lower in status then you. They will listen to you above anyone else.
This is proven true even with my own dog. My dog, since no one was around to train her but me when she was a puppy, mostly listens to me. She will try to obey my sister and my mother, but for the most part I'm the Alpha. I'm the one the dog listens too. Granted I also use the warning snarly voice that scares her (sorry that's amusing in my opinion as I've never struck my dog.).  My dog does as I say, when I say it, because she recognizes me as her better. That's how dogs think. You can deny it all you want, but a dog will always think of its pack. If you live in the same house as a dog, you are part of its pack. How you treated the dog, and if you tell it orders, decides your rank in its mind. If it thinks it is higher in rank then you, it will not listen to you. It is up to you to train your dog properly and realize that Pack Mentality is not bad, its natural, its Abuse that is bad. DO NOT HIT YOUR DOG TO TRAIN IT.
DO NOT THINK THAT PACK MENTALITY = VIOLENCE
DO NOT CONFUSE PACK MENTALITY FOR VIOLENCE
DO NOT SAY YOU ARE TEACHING YOUR DOG PACK MENTALITY WHILE ABUSING IT. YOU'RE NOT.
Rant over :3 

Wednesday April 8 2015

High School is really starting to look up. Okay well maybe not high school, but what happens after it. I have almost all my college crap completed, all I have left to do really is pay for my housing, pay for my orientation, and then I'll be good. I'm excited. I also found out that after college, while I was freaking out about getting a good job, I didn't have too.
One of my friends owns a rather large company and he has some investments in japan he wants to keep an eye on. I'm excited to say that soon, after I'm done with my college courses for my Major, I'll be in Japan being his representative at those investments. I'm really happy that I get to to work for him actually. He's been a really good friend for years, spent a lot of time being nice to me and I just feel glad that I can help him out.
Yesterday my friend told me that she thought I was going to take over the world in five years with how many connections I have. And they told me being online all the time didn't help me any. But, no, taking over the world is a bit to much responsibility for my taste. However, living in Japan, helping out my friend, maybe eventually getting married to someone and having a family, that makes me happy. I like the idea of being useful. I like having my future planned out. I may not get to play video games as much as I want to in the future, but for now, I'm happy.
I'm really glad that I have the opportunities I do, and the friends I do. Once I'm out of college, I don't have to feel insecure, not knowing where my next pay check is coming from. I get to get my Visa and ship my happy ass across the world to Japan for my job. It will also be exciting to meet my friend for the first time. I mean yes, we've talked a lot on line, but we've never actually met.
Come to think of it, I don't think I know what he looks like either. Ha ha, that's going to be awkward cause I know he knows what I look like. However, and yes I know people are reading this and thinking 'wait what? She hasn't actually met the guy? Oh god he could be a psychotic killer." Uhm, yeah I guess, but he isn't. "Well how can you say for certain?" Just because you meet some one , doesn't mean you know them. People actually tend to be more real online then they are in real life if you ask me. I've never met the pedophiles that anyone talked about, I've met a ton of people who piss me off, but none who ever were interested in kidnapping raping or killing me. Sorry to burst some bubbles.
Most of the people I've met online are like minded people, weather they are from Japan, Germany, England, Australia, or America. It doesn't matter what continent, country, province, or anything, that they live on. People are humans. It just so happens that we may have different views because of cultural differences, but, thats understandable and smart people get past that.
But, back on track. I HAVE A JOB AFTER COLLEGE. GOD THAT MAKES ME HAPPY. and in only two short months this blog, which I've tried to keep updated, will end. Well, off to school to get another day down.

Thursday March 19 2015

Two months left till graduation June 5th and I'm done. It's sort of scary. All the kids I've made bonds with in high school, all the people I know. Gone. There are going to be four of us going to the same college, that's about it. I'm scared. One of my friends got into one of the top fashion design colleges in the country, I'm really excited for him. Another got into a top music college, so on and so forth. I think another is going to Harvard. It's just a little weird you know? I'm walking the school grounds, I say hi to people, all the seniors know my name and say hi to me, a lot of juniors and sophomores too, I guess I'm popular. I have a lot of friends. I'll lose them, the second I'm gone, they'll forget me. A few of us will stay connected, we will message each other and find time to hang out. I guess I just feel weird. My senior year, I finally say hi to a lot of people in the hall way, I finally have a good high school life, hell today I took a department picture for the year book. I've never done that before. I'd never been part of a department. I was in a play called "They Danced Real Slow in Jackson" I was a creepy voice in the actresses head. IT was fun, I got a lot of compliments on my performance. I was really happy about that, they said they were actually scared of my creepy voice. I loved that so much. I also played a bitchy mother at a department store, people said I was a bitch, which was a compliment because that's what I was going for. This play I'm painting the set. I'm getting really into the Theater department. I'm really glad I tried out for the play I did, and took the class I have, and pretty much everything I'm doing. IT takes up a lot of my free time, and applying for college stuff takes up another chunk, but I'm happy. The only thing I'm really regretting right now is A) I have a shit love life because my emotions are out of wack, maybe some day I'll read this again and go 'yeah I was so screwed up.' and hopefully by then I'll have a family of my own but B) I don't have a job. That sort of bothers me. I want to be an Actress or Model but till I go to japan that isn't much but a far off dream, for now I just need some sort of job to earn a bit more money to put in savings. If I have savings I'll feel better. Anyways, thats all for today, talk more next time. (Also adding a few pictures of what I've been up too)

Wednesday February 25 2015

So, Today I had an emotional break down. But I better cover the last couple weeks first. So, I went and did the play "They Danced Real Slow in Jackson" turned out great, everyone loved it. We took it too a competition called Play Festival in Missoula Montana and ended up getting second place. We had to cut the play down to Forty minutes but it was really good. I loved it. Then after the play was over I've had time off and have been playing more league again. I'm up to Silver there.
My grades have gone up. I finished my last math class ever, hopefully, and am now ready for college mostly. I still have to finish my senior year but all my hard subjects are out of the way. I'm really happy I've been doing so well in school this year. Prom is coming up and I don't know who I'm going with. I went to my first Rave for once, and it went rather well. My friend and I , she being from Germany, left early because some drunk guys were hitting on us. It was unique I guess. I also have been realizing who my true friends are and it makes me happy. Its been a long year.
Most of all, right now, I've found something out about myself that I didn't know. I don't want to date. I want to get married. I want a family, a kid of my own, a husband that I can welcome when he gets off work. I want to be an actress and raise a family, I want to have a complete family of my own. I want to have that kind of relationship, not just date someone. It makes me feel weird, but, that's what I want.
I also realized that I am a lot more sensitive then I realized, I'm very kind, and very caring , and very sensitive towards other peoples feelings if I care about them. I hate upsetting people I know and like, it makes me feel like crap. This has been a really enlightening year for me. 

Tuesday January 20th 2015

Its a new year, I haven't been posting much but there wasn't much to post about. I was in college algebra, not a fun class. Became friends with some interesting people, lost friendships with those who weren't worth it, got a job and lost it, and now I'm getting ready for a play I'm in. And They Danced Real Slow in Jackson is such an interesting play but at the same time it makes no sense and it's convoluted. I also ended up with a boyfriend. It amuses me because we met online, and most would say that's creepy, 'well what if he is a killer and faking not being one.' I dont think I have to worry about that. He is a killer, and he is open about BEING a killer. He is my killer though, which makes me laugh. He gets so angry and frustrated about other people and all he ever wants to do is kill everyone and he hates everyone, but, not to me. All I ever get when he talks about me is how he wish he could cuddle me , how he'll make my life easier. He acts so evil and mean and then he talks to me like I'm the light in his life, like I'm the goddess his sun and his moon. It makes me smile. I like the difference on how he treats me verses everyone else. He makes me feel special and wanted and a good sort of different. Where he hates others he loves me and I like that. I can handle him hating others so long as he always loves me. I guess I'm messed up but that is the best kind of love in my eyes. Though, I do admit the idea that if I ever break my heart I'll be fucking screwed scares me XD. Oh well, one bridge at a time. Senior year is so interesting so far.