Saturday May 31 2014

So I realized today the real reason I don't want to be a senior. Because in exactly a years time as of tomorrow, I will lose the rest of my high school friends.
I know people always tell me 'oh no we will still be friends.' But I was in a different school for half a year this year and did any of you bother to message me how I was? they didn't... but no we will still be together. It hurts I guess. The fact that I know once they don't see me every day they will write me off as their past and move on. I guess I'm just sad that I'm going to lose people I grew up with because they don't care. I'm worried that people will forget about me so no, I do not want to be a senior.
Hell, I already lost my high school crush since he moved to a different city. He moved right after we both figured out exactly how much we meant to each other and I haven't heard from him since. I'm worried that everyone is going to be like that so I'm sad. I wish someone could tell me that it would all be okay, that I'm not going to be stuck in the world all alone and that reality really isn't as harsh as it seems. But even if people tell me that I know it's candy coated lies. Its depressing but true. My senior year is a year I'm going to lose in sadness, unless I make the most of it.
Next school year I'm going to try my best to be nice and happy and smiling so when I talk about my last year of high school when I'm older, all I'll have to talk about is good times and great people... but that's just a wish which will be hard to make come true.

Friday May 30th 2014 still a junior.

Well today I got to see my cousin at her track meat. It was a state one so she was doing really well. My cousin is a week older than me, closest in age to me but I don't think her and I are that close. I skipped out on my physics class to go see her do the shot put. Well... I didn't really skip since the teacher said I could go. It was a  decent day. Not sure if I'm going to work on my stories or not. 

Junior year has ended.

Yesterday my seniors graduated... I'm sad.
The problem with this is that A) I lost a lot of friends and B) I am now left as a senior.
I don't want to be a senior. I don't want to graduate and I don't want to lose anymore friends. Once I graduate I will lose all but two who are going to college with me. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. Growing up is terrifying I don't even feel old enough to be a senior and hell, everyone still thinks I look like a junior high kid.
How did all those years slip by me? Why am I sitting here shaking over something that's natural. I guess it's because I don't feel very self confident. People always say I'm really prude and stuff and that I am kind of weird. I've never felt comfortable around my peers... I don't like it.
I sit in class quietly resenting being alone, I feel alone even when I'm with most of  my friends and I just can't handle it anymore, does everyone feel this lonely? Or is it just me... People find me funny when I do talk but I'm to scared and even when I do talk half the time I sound mad and pissed. I have found out that anger is my natural reaction to pretty much everything that I'm scared of. I don't like people hating on me, I get angry, don't like feeling vulnerable, angry, and I act like a know it all because I don't want anyone looking down on me... not ever again.
Maybe Senior year is a good way to have a fresh start. I don't know but I think I want to start a new, I want people to like me I want to smile I want people to laugh and I want to make jokes for everyone. I hope I get support this year so I'll be posting this blog as of now along with all of my other stories. Thanks guys.