Friday August 15 2014

You know, I've known my brother was a selfish asshole since I was five years old. The way he always acted better then me because he was our grandparents only grandson always set us apart. As he grew older he just got worse and he became even more of an asshole, treating everyone in the house like shit even our mother. He would break walls and shit he had no right breaking. My mother has worked her ass off for us as a single mom all her life and then to top it off the second my brother hits twelve he thinks he knows everything and treats her like shit.
My mom has taken his verbal abuse since he was 12 years old, he is 19 now , about to be 20 and he still treats her like shit. Today was the last straw. The cops had to be called because of his verbal abuse and he was kicked out of the house, he doesn't pay rent, doesn't help us , doesn't do shit but mooch off my mother. I'm 17, almost 18 and I've payed more bills than he ever has helping mom out. My mother is in tears and the worst feeling in the world is knowing I can't help her. There is nothing I can say or do that will make her feel better and its breaking my heart. I wish my brother had never been born, I wish he wasn't part of our family and I wish he'd stop hurting my mother. She doesn't deserve that.
I feel so damn helpless right now. I never want to see my brother again, I never want to hear from him again or know how he is doing. He could die tomorrow and I couldn't care less because of how he treated my mother. I hate him. There is no love, I am not god, I am not perfect. I do not love him. I hate him with every fiber of my being and I wish him the worst because of what he has done to my mom, to me, and to my family. 

Thursday August 14 2014

I've decided the thing that bugs me the most about senior year isn't the fact that next year I'm on my own or that I have to go to college and then make a living, not even the fact that I am going to lose my friends. The thing that bugs me about senior year, is next year, all the idiots I've seen in my classes, all the people I've planted my face in the desk in front of me because of something they've said, will be adults. They will be able to cast votes on who our government officials are... and most of them don't understand simple things like making resumes. I fear for the future of this country, of other countries that have to deal with this country, and the children's education of people that stupid. I've already lost a good 50 -60 percent of the class I've been going to school with because they dropped out, which is again sad. So no, I don't like the idea of being a senior, I don't like the idea of being this old, because next year all the stupid people my age are old enough to vote and become legal adults in the community. Their stupidity en mass is going to be problematic. I'm very worried. 

Friday August 8 2014

I think I am finally in love. Maybe ha ha. I don't know. Is it love when you can't get them off your mind? When you want nothing but to please them? When, even when they are gone, you want to be with them. Then to have them feel that too? It feels like a fucking story book, to be able to say my senior year of high school that I finally know what love feels like.  He makes me smile and makes me feel wanted with out making me feel smothered. He knows what to say when I'm beyond pissed and knows how to make me laugh and calm down.
Granted the relationship is long distance but we are both hoping it works. We've been hurt before, we know this, and we don't want to hurt each other. That makes me smile too, that he can be so open with me and admit that he has self esteem issues when He puts up such a play boy attitude for everyone else. When he doesn't like something he tells me and I can work it out with him. We don't hide things so far and we've been really good about trying to understand each other.
He doesn't pledge undying love to me or any of that crap like I've heard before, he knows we might not make it and he admits that he is scared of that. I like him for that so I really hope this works for once. I haven't felt this light in a long time, I still wonder if this is what they call love though. We've known each other two years and just the other day he admitted he might love me, granted for the past few weeks I was thinking I might love him so the news came of great joy and surprise. I guess it makes me laugh.
I also ended up getting into a fight with this stuck up snob of a bitch and he was going to go in and flip out for my sake. When I'm upset he gets upset and it makes me smile to see him try and act all he man for me. He is also really soft and tender and I guess it makes me smile too because again, while he acts all macho he lets me see the part of him that worries and is scared and it is really sweet. I really like him and I hope this can last ha ha. God I feel good right now.
Also I might add that I just read through all my posts recently and god this is like such a bipolar mood switch XD like one minute i'm saying I hate men the next I find a guy who actually is worth my time aren't I just strange.
I am head over heals in love with him he is just so sweet. 

Wednesday August 6 2014

God I fucking hate men. "oh I love you I want you I wanna be with you" one day then the very fucking next "oh yeah no I'ma just sit on the couch. I don't remember saying that shit your on acid bitch." Fuck it and fuck them. Such god damn bull shit honestly. If you say you like me then fucking mean it or get out of my face I don't have time for bs. I guess I should know better but I'm still young and foolish enough to buy all that crap about love. God I should really learn that there isn't any such fucking thing. 

Sunday August 3 2014

So today I finally came to a conclusion. I've been told to stop acting like a petty child and that I shouldn't do this or that cause it's something a child would do. You know what? It's not me. It's them. I'm not being childish I'm being ME. They are the petty idiots who can't get the fuck over it. I ripped a guys head off, decided I was in the wrong, apologized to him and gave him space for a while. He is the one that told me he still wanted to be MY friend. So I try talking to him a few weeks later like normal and he treats me like shit. I ask him why the fuck he wanted to be friends if he wouldn't get the fuck over it and He told me I can't just rip someones head off and expect everything to be fine instantly.... IT WAS TWO FUCKING MONTHS AGO YOU BUTT HURT LITTLE GIRL. Jesus Christ I swear He holds a grudge worse then any five year old I've ever met. I've never been one to hold onto the past. I'll get into fucking bitch fits with my brother and family and the next day we will act like nothing happened. That isn't being childish that's being an adult. Because no matter how many fucking fights we get in, there is no pointing dwelling on the past seriously. I don't see a reason to act like a fucking toddler and hold onto something stupid that happens like Me ripping your head off when you fuck up. No I'm not perfect but I'm sure as hell not as childish as everyone wants to think. 

Saturday August 2 2014

I fucking hate betrayal. I don't give a shit if I lose the person because they are 'that' particular person. No I get fucking mad because SOMEONE doesn't matter who the fuck they are, betrayed me and I can't trust them. I hate that. Why can't fucking people realize that I want loyalty and honesty? What is so fucking hard to get about that. I swear I fucking hate humans at least my god damn CAT is always loyal to me. Fuck she is a god damn animal and she's stabbed me in the back less than the fucking creatures I share chromosomes with. GRRR Sick of fucking liars and traitors and fucking assholes all around. So what if you're friends with someone I hate? I want to be your friend not theirs I want to hang out with YOU not them. If you want to hang out with them cool no biggy I'll hang out with you another time but just cause your THEIR FUCKING FRIEND. Doesn't mean you have to stop being mine!
I'm glad of my best friend. Met the girl Freshman year when my Phobia of humanity was at its peek. with out her non-judgmental additude and relaxed personality I doubt I would have ever gotten over my fear. She will always be my best friend even when we never talk.